"My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies."
"I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees."
Secretary" It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law." W.C." Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible."
[Asked if he believes in clubs for women, Fields responded] "Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails."
Epitaph: Here lies W.C. Fields– I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
W.C. Fields